Supervisors/supervision

It’s really hard to be in our shoes. Being under supervision in a PhD is painful. It feels like all the odds are against you. You are being controlled about a thing that you cannot control.

Time is against you; the science that you need to pursue, is normally also against you. It breaks you apart, because it’s an unknown route. It’s science. Who the hell likes to not know where they are going? Researching the unknown?!

God! It’s confusing.

Then it becomes exciting. And in a few seconds, it becomes a huge and first world problem again: everything falls apart and it’s again an uphill battle.  To you. Only you. Because your supervisor will point out the main driving force of your success: You. Congrats, you are the answer. And the responsibility is yours! Come on.... it’s a shared deal, a win-win situation, for both. Both need to work with same purpose, it can’t be an extent of the supervisor on his own PhD, with all its frustrations and misbeliefs and, it cannot be an extension of your failings as a master student or a researcher.

And, of course, all these messed up feeling break you.

If you are the driving force, how do you push yourself into the right place for that? Specially since you don’t have time to answer or think. You need to work on your PhD and still have your life (if you find time for your life) with friends, family and hobbies.

 So you tell yourself: focus and get your shit together! Forget life.

And then you fall asleep.

Three months later (because time in science is measured by conferences seasons) you arrive at your lab, you look around, you feel the mess that are your results (or the absence of them), and your brain tilts. And it does the job for you.

Your brain shouts: what the fuck is wrong with you: why do you need a PhD, loser? If you can only be the driving force of chaos and nonsense!

Then, you lie to yourself that everything will be fine at the end. But again, time is against you. And all these feelings too.

So you go to your supervisor. And if he is a really important guy he will postpone your meeting at least ten times. Maybe less. I’m exaggerating. Eight, nine at the most. If he is not, the scheduling will be faster, if he’s available. But the point here is: what are the purposes of these meetings?

What do you want?

Anyway, he can decide everything, right? So you don’t think too much about what do you want. You just go.

Then, there, maybe he can decide everything for you. But maybe he is busy, mentally busy. He can also listen; give you support or emptiness. Or he just believes in you, in your capabilities and comforts and cheers you to be more keen student, a believer and a successful worker in the lab. Maybe he will point out some kind of solution, at least for these experiments that you are struggling with. Then he will advise you to read more. Because it’s important, he will say. And you know it’s true.  So there you are, nodding your head in agreement. And then you leave.

You leave his office feeling a bit stronger. Telling yourself: focus and get your shit together!

Read! It’s solved!

One month later, you wake up to the mess that is your PhD. Again. You read. You follow his advice.

What happened? Maybe nobody discussed the reading with you. The path of you work, the step ahead that is needed to make your work move further. You are not Einstein. You are nobody.

And there you are. Lost. Again.

But now you have the knowhow. You know how much it will be painful having these feelings. And, yap! it’s time for your brain to shout to you again: really, again, what the fuck is wrong with you: why do you need a PhD? You are a fucking loser. Look around how drive and fulfilled are you colleagues? Maybe you’re not enough. Maybe you don’t have what is needed for this kind of goal.

And you are stuck with these shitty feelings again.

You start to think about their attitude. It’s not all on you. It feels like they just want to know how fast you can get there, to the top of the mountain that is the PhD!

And you get angry. Like they all forget and you forget, that it is not about how fast you get there, it’s not about how high you can climb it. Is about the steps of your climb and the knowledge that your climb produced. Right? And if you are not the climber, for them, there’s always gonna be another mountain or another climber, aka, student… and it’s your loss… and you lose manly your sanity and the trust in yourself (and a considerable amount of time, energy and public money).

But, think.

If in that day that you entered in the office of your supervisor, if you could do something different, what you do think it would have been?

Think.

What did you want from him? Do you know? What did you want to hear from him? The solution for your PhD, in one or two meetings? Really?

Or a discussion about how many solutions do we have? How many ways do we have to hit the problem? Or predict how the problem can hit us? Which result is a waste and which is a possible path? How many people are doing similar research? Which problems are they facing? What is the strength of our work? How we can enhance it?

Did you get it?

Go get it tiger!

Don’t let your supervisor have an easy job with you. Question him! Don’t allow your brain to became a machine. Criticise your work. Read. Think about and ask your supervisor to discuss the science that you are pursuing, with you.

Debate papers with him. Don’t be afraid of not knowing. You are not Google.

And if time is against you, that means that you need to be sharper and more efficient doing things in the lab.

That’s right.  But don’t let that pressure mess with your head at a point that gives you anxiety.

Go get it tiger! Fight.

And, if you decide that you don’t need a PhD, don’t decide because you think you are not capable. You are. Look around. Look through people. You are.

Decide based on where do you see yourself. Do you need a PhD to be selling hot dogs?

Actually, I do! Because for me “knowledge does not take up space.”

PS: Science is exciting and devastating at the same time. Exciting because there is no limit for the amount of things that you can learn and connect between subjects. Devastating because you are always far from the end. There's no end, just more undiscovered science and knowledge to make you continue.

Just accept this. If not it, is better to leave.

“just hang on. It’s the autumn.”

É dentro de um copo. Ou não. Já nem sei se é com pouca água ou com muita. De onde é que vem esta tempestade?
Se calhar, a água é tanta que a tempestade tem razão de ser e eu estava só a negá-la. Se ela me aperta o peito, se me descontrola, é porque existe. Ou se calhar é só mesmo o outono.
Se calhar é o todo. O Todo que é maior que a soma das partes. É um bebé novo. Um namorado novo. Uma violação verbal nova. Um desacreditar constante. A inquietação de quem é competitivo.
Um antes e um depois.
Um sentimento de estranheza e de ausência do que é comum. Só para variar.
Sinto que não posso exteriorizar.
É segredo.
Tudo me diminui aos olhos dos outros. E eu não sei lidar um isso, com o fracasso e a fragilidade. Porque os outros querem sempre sorrisos. Ninguém quer um copo partido na mesa.
Queremos um copo cheio. Com cor. Com corpo. Que faça barulho quando brinda. Que aqueça quem dele bebe.
Como se admite que estamos partidos?
É segredo.
Camuflamos com sorrisos vazios e ausências.
Se ninguém der por  nada, aguentamos até à primavera.
À mesa.
Junto com os outros copos.
A tentar passar por dentro da tempestade.
Porque a bonança existe. Sei vê-la nos outros.
Dizem-me que é preciso saber esperar pelo fim do outono.
E tudo fica bem.

“just hang on. It’s the autumn.”, ECP